What?

I know what you’re thinking, didn’t I just create a new blog?

YES, I did. But no, this isn’t what you’re thinking. I’m not abandoning my Tumblr. I just found it hard to organize my text posts and non-text posts so I decided to create a more text-friendly page to make life a little easier for me.

I will not be transferring my text posts from there because I like to keep my thoughts in context. If you’re curious, you can hop on over to my Tumblr page over Personal. I will still be updating there regularly, but only with pictures or places I want to go or just shorter, less-wordy posts!

So, while I’m on this grand journey of shifting, I have pretty exciting news! Starting from this week onwards, I will be singing regularly at  Starker Fresh Beer @ Holland Village on Fridays and Saturdays from 8.30pm to 11.30pm! My band will also be playing this coming Wednesday (30th April 2014) to celebrate the eve of Labour Day!

You might be wondering why I only took this up now. Well, I’ve always wanted to do this, actually. I love singing and this is a great way to constantly practice and grow but have fun at the same time. However, I’ve always been self-conscious about it. I’m a really really awkward person in real life and I’m awful at talking to crowds. It’s really bad. I just can’t seem to do it. It’s like my brain and throat freezes up and I’m just like, “NO way. No chance.” I just… can’t talk to people.

 

I took years to get over my stage fright. The first time I sang in front of a crowd, I cried. I had my back turned away from the audience AND I was protected by a whiteboard. That wasn’t enough though. I had to plug in my earbuds just so I could shut them out. So, I kind of forced myself to face my fear by going for competitions – once when I was 15 and another when I was 17. Meh, didn’t work. Still as awkward as ever.

 

So, I spent my singing life hiding until I got to university. Somehow, I just went COME ON MAN YOU CAN DO THIS. I auditioned for Voix, my university’s only A Cappella group and I remember shaking so bad during the auditions. My friends and seniors still tease me about it. Being in the club really helped me be more confident about myself and I learned to be able to sing comfortably in front of other people (albeit with people singing alongside me). I also formed a band with my friends and we experimented with both full band and acoustic settings. Eventually we all developed and decided to pursue our own direction but we had a whole lot of fun performing for various school events.

The environment pushed me further and I decided to join a national reality singing competition, The Final 1, and somehow, I made it through the auditions. This was a huge turning point for me though. While it was really an experience taking part in photoshoots and being on television, it beat me down terribly. I became self-conscious in every way possible. Physically, mentally and socially. I took it really hard. I wasn’t capable enough, I wasn’t good enough. I’ve never really been good at anything, all I could do was sing… but even then, I was not good enough for anyone. I had no drive, nothing. I didn’t bother trying to get votes because I didn’t want people to waste their money on me. The others were so popular and really nice and most were also already well-known, I didn’t stand a chance. I gave up without a fight and it made things worse because then (even if it were done purely for the sake of entertainment) I got mocked by a local YouTuber who, of all things, made fun of my name.  He’s popular now and I wouldn’t want to cause a stir… but really, my name?

It didn’t help that I was on the first voting episode – no one knew how to vote and no one knew who we were. There was only ONE episode prior to that and not everyone was featured. What made things even worse was that I was the first to get voted out and everyone assumed I got the lowest votes (and hence was the most incapable). Of course, that happened before they decided to clarify that the elimination was not done in order of credit.

 I really hated myself and I was set on giving up on singing. I hated myself for being incapable and worse, for disappointing my friends. I was disgusted for ever thinking I was good or worthy enough to join a competition. What was I thinking? I never really told anyone how affected I was during that point of time. I turned down all gigs and all requests saying that “I needed a break”. Only my boyfriend and maybe one or two of my close friends knew. The competition happened around March to May last year (at least for me haha) and I felt horrible all the way till end 2013. I decided to take a break from Voix as well because I wanted to stop singing and not waste time on something I’m terrible at. That didn’t work out too well either because some issues arose and let’s just say it didn’t get settled.

 

So, going back to why I only decided to take up a gig now, yeah. I guess you can kind of tell. It took a long while for me to get back to where I was – no, to climb even higher than where I used to be. I’m much more comfortable now with who I am and I’m better able to accept myself. It was a tough climb.

I guess what I’m also trying to say is that, it really is important to love yourself. I’m not in the zone where I’d go into “Trella is in a relationship with herself” mode but neither do I see myself as unworthy and incapable anymore. You’re not unworthy just because someone cannot see you for who you are and who you can be.

You’re not unworthy because others don’t get to place a value on you. Another lesson learnt is to not let one occasion tear down something you’ve been building for years, especially your dreams. Do not let anyone or anything destroy your dreams. God knows how much you’ll regret it once you do. Opportunities lost are hard to come by again. I was just lucky that my opportunity was patient enough to wait for me to do some (really intense) soul-searching.

I hope this will help someone in some way. To the someone who is lost and in a situation somewhat like mine, I hope you find your way.

Cheers and goodnight ☺